Chapter 14: Long-Term Relationships

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Chapter 14: Long-Term Relationships

‘‘Don't wait for the good woman. She doesn't exist.’’

- Charles Bukowski –

“Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.”

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche –

Long-term relationships and children. The first thing I want to say about this is that whatever you do, you have no guarantee of avoiding the risks involved in building a long-term relationship with a woman, especially if you want children. Being 100% sure of success is impossible. The more you commit to a woman the more you will be at risk of being used as a proxy power, of becoming a self-sacrificing provider, of losing your money, your dreams, and yourself.

In today's world, serious engagement with a woman is such a risk. Simpler relationships such as having a friend with benefits or a girlfriend with whom you do not cohabitate with are perfectly fine and have the least amount of potential risks and potential hassles. Thus, those two options, or simply staying celibate, are my personal recommendations. Now that we got that of the way, let’s dig in.

Here is the typical scenario that happens with most couples who end up having children. At first, both the man and the woman work and they benefit from two sources of income. This enables them to buy a house together and get a place of their own. All is well in the beginning, and it may seem like an equal relationship, but everything will change when they decide to have a child.

The woman will get pregnant and at some point, will go on maternity leave. She will give birth and be out of the workplace for some time. While she receives some money for a period of time, the only one currently with a job will be the man and the financial pressure inevitably shifts towards him. When the child is an infant and even when he becomes old enough to go to the kindergarten, most women will want to have ‘‘more time’’ to take care of their child, and they will only work part-time or not at all.

Women who do not have a choice will work full-time, but their path to lessening their workload is not over. This is when the second child comes into play. Once again, the woman will get pregnant and will become eligible for maternity leave. With a second child on its way the household expenses are rising, and not just a little bit either. The woman is not working, she cannot increase her maternity leave (if she has any), and the greater financial burden will be on the shoulders of the man. Thus, he will increase his working hours to match the family's expenses if he had not already done so with the first child. The man will gradually sink into the role of the ‘‘self-sacrificing provider’’. At the same time, the woman, who tasted the pleasure of endless free time from being out of the workforce for a prolonged period of time, will fervently reject the idea of returning to a full-time work week.

If the man makes enough money, some women will never return to the workplace. Others will only work part-time just to get out of the house or do so because a partial second income is desperately required. But the thing that is certain is that they won't be the one taking the life-sapping role of the provider. This will always be left up to the man. The relationship started as something that looked equal, but it quickly became the opposite. The man became a self-sacrificing provider while the woman started working less and less as time passed.

At this point, the woman is enjoying the financial security that the man provides and her lifestyle is dependent on him. Thus, she will not permit that he pulls back from this role as it would directly affect her standard of living. Most of the time, the only way to get out of this role will be with a break-up, and in most cases, that would mean paying child-support. If you were married, it would be both child-support and alimony payments. Those two options would effectively turn you into a wage slave.

I want to keep my anonymity, so I can't precisely tell you what my job is, but I can at least say that when I was younger, I have done social work of a sort where I would meet with multiple parents and children every day. I have seen hundreds of couples and children, so you can probably imagine how often I have witnessed the scenario that I just described. I have seen young fathers full of energy, happiness, and compassion being swallowed up by the role of the sacrificial provider, and in the span of two to four years, they started to look much older and much less happy. Their lifestyle became completely centered around work, and they became insensitive. Instead of being joyful and energetic as they were in the past, they would now make tough-skinned remarks and get scolded by their spouse for it. They hid the fact that they did not like their job behind big awkward laughs. The way that life transformed them and the look on their faces did not reflect the happy person they were a couple of years ago. Most of these fathers still had willpower in their eyes, but unless they get out of this situation, I can only see it decreasing with time.

And that is not purely the case for everyone. Some fathers far better than others and keep their inner flame intact, but with the number of cases that I have personally witnessed over the years, I can say with some certainty that it is not the majority.

As I said earlier, success can never be guaranteed, but there are things that you can do to increase your chances of building a successful relationship. Here are my tid bits of advice:

Income:

Find a partner who has a similar income as you or at least in the same tax bracket. For example, if you are poor, find a poor girl. If you are middle-class, find a middle-class woman, and if you are rich, well, you get the idea.

This is far from a fool-proof method, but it will at least limit the amount of hypergamy your woman exhibits. For instance, a poor woman would be more tempted to get a rich’s man money than a poor man's money.

Also, flee as far as possible from women in debts. It doesn't matter what the reason is. It can be college debt or a loan she took out for personal reasons, but it just goes to show you how bad she is at handling money. The chances are that you are going to end up paying those debts, and if she can’t take care of a simple thing like her finances, she definitely won’t be able to handle a complex matter like your heart. Most likely, she won’t be a kind and compassionate partner.

Lastly, look at her life choices, particularly in her studies and career. Did she major in a useless degree such as gender studies, does she pay her bills, is she drowning in debt, did she find work in her field of studies, or did she end up working at a minimum wage job in a Starbucks? If she can’t foresee the consequences of her actions, if she can’t plan ahead and make rational decisions for her life, then you better run for the hills.

Sport:

Try to find a woman who has a history of playing in team sports or competitive sports. If she played, or still plays sports, the chances are that her conflict resolution skills are higher than the norm. Studies show that sport team players, regardless of gender, are better at resolving conflicts. This is probably due to the fact that in a team sport, players have to face rivalry, competition, and teamwork all at the same time. Also, sports help in learning delayed gratification. Can you wait for the thing that you want? Can you make sacrifices, and invest time and energy to get them? Or is it too hard for you and you simply give up? Delayed gratification is one of the best tools that a person can possess to determine his future success, and people who do sports cultivate this trait, as it requires a ton of efforts to perform well. It really shapes a person’s character in the best possible ways.

Also, a woman who does sports uses her body for something else than being pretty, which is a good thing in my opinion.

Take your time:

Stay multiple years as financially independent before having kids. Let her pay her bills, regardless of whether you live together or not, this way she’ll be more likely to establish herself in the workforce and will have more to lose by leaving her job. If she receives a raise or some kind of promotion, she may be more reluctant to part with her career once she has kids.

If she changes jobs as frequently as she changes clothes, then you just caught yourself a big red flag. If that’s the case, she won’t have any sort of attachment to her work and will probably jump ship on the first occasion you give her to stop working, like when you have a kid. Your woman doesn’t have to be a career woman, but she should at the very least be serious about her work. To make sure that this is true, you should definitely wait multiple years.

Taking your time is also a good way to analyze your partner and observe whether there is a lack of gestures and effort on her part. After a few years, the soup of hormones and neurotransmitters that were artificially bonding the two of you will diminish, and you will be less likely to make rash and impulsive decisions. I suggest that you take at least a three-year period to confirm whether she is trustworthy or not. Always live by your own standards and not by hers, especially during this three-year period. If she accepts this for multiple years, she should be open to compromise, and hopefully, less likely to use you has a proxy power for her sole benefit. At the very least, this period of time will filter out most gold diggers and will give you the opportunity for rational judgment.

Promiscuity:

Jay Teachman, a scholar in sociology, did a study on 6,500 women over a period of ten years that began in 1995. The study was about promiscuity and stability in marriage.

According to his result, virgin women have around 80% chance of staying married (over a period of ten years), while a woman who had one sexual partner before meeting her husband has a 54% chance of staying married. That is a massive 26% drop for a single partner! From this point on, it only gets worse. The more sexual partners a woman had prior to marriage, the less likely she is to honor her vows.

To this, I can only guess that our ancestors highly valued virginity because they intuitively knew that it promotes stable marriages. Perhaps they understood that a virgin woman was less likely to betray her husband when compared to a promiscuous one.

So, if you desire a long-term relationship, try to find a woman who isn’t promiscuous.

Prenuptial agreements and cohabitation contract won’t protect you:

A judge can revoke a cohabitation contract or a prenuptial agreement if he/she thinks it is unjust, and a contract stipulating that you will not pay child support if there is a break-up, or a contract suggesting joint custody of the children, can be revoked. Many other things that you may have listed in your cohabitation contract may also be canceled just like that, so it is not a valid option. To put it bluntly, prenuptial agreements and cohabitation contracts are toilet paper.

Common law spouse legislation:

Look out for common law spouse regulations where you live. In some places, the laws for common law spouse can be similar to marriage, and you should never live with a woman when under those circumstances. Just forget it or move somewhere else. Some states or provinces may be safe for now, but this leads me to a depressing thought.

Even if you did your job and checked with a lawyer to make sure that everything is fine in your area, the laws could suddenly change. In this case you must be ready to leave ASAP. As paranoid as it may seem, you must absolutely keep in touch with the laws in your region, and you must always have a plan to move if they change for the worse. That is unless you are ready to be trapped in an unforgiving system.

Children:

Have few children. One or two at most. Why? Because the more children you have, the more work you will have to do to pay the bills. Your spouse will enjoy the free time that comes with childbirth each time you have a child, and after all those long breaks, she will be less likely to go back into the workforce. You will be left with the greater financial burden.

By having fewer children, you will limit the amount of ‘‘in and outs’’ of your spouse into the workforce, and it should be easier for her to get back to work. Why should it be important that your spouse work? If your spouse is a stay at home mother, the money that you will lose after a break-up, especially if there are children involved, will be catastrophic and it is critical that you back yourself up.

Be present in the life of your children:

Try to be just as present as the mother in the lives of your children. This will make a stronger case when trying to get joint custody in case of a break-up.

However, it can be easily overturned by a woman if she says that she ‘‘feels’’ threatened for her and her children's safety when you are around, even if you have never been violent or abusive. In a case like this, do whatever you can to disprove her and do not give up. Some men have even hired private detectives to spy on their ex-girlfriend to find dirt on them and have successfully obtained joint custody. If she has a history of drug abuse or mental illness, you must use it against her. If you do everything correctly, you may have a chance at getting custody of your children.

Spending more time with your kids is a good thing, and men who spend more time with their kids have, on average, a higher success rate at gaining joint custody.

Owning a house:

Having a house is risky if you have kids because even if you are not married, your ex could end up with the home even if you were the one paying for it. Thus, all the money you have invested in your home until now could be taken away from you. If you plan to live with a woman and want kids, perhaps you could rent a house. It is somewhat more expensive than renting an apartment but it is more suitable for raising children, and it represents less of a risk in case of separation.

A middle-ground option would be to buy a mobile home. It cost less when compared to a normal house, and even less if you split the cost in two, but you must rent the land. You would still lose money if your ex-girlfriend gets the mobile house, but it would not be as dramatic to your wallet.

Let her know:

If your relationship starts to get serious, you should make her understand what you expect of her and why you expect it. State your intentions clearly and don't go back on it. If she doesn't like it and leaves, then you just avoided a parasite that would have sucked away at your livelihood. Make sure that your voice is heard and that it is respected. One of the most crucial factors in all of this is to have a spine. Do not falter because of her manipulation as it will target your protective instinct. Make it clear what you will tolerate and what it is that you don‘t. Manipulative behaviors are selfish, unloving, unfair, and abusive. Stand by your values and don’t let a woman dictate your life.

Be ready to leave:

The only weapon that can bear any real weight in your relationship with a woman, especially in today’s modern world, is your willingness to leave if you need to. If you cannot live without a woman, you will fall for her manipulation whether you want to or not, and she will hold you by the balls.

You are more important than her, and your values are more important than her desires. If you cannot think like that, then you are sure to lose your freedom.

Remember, a real man doesn’t have to apologize for his values and decisions.

Immigrate:

My last bit of advice is for those who absolutely want to marry. In that case, I would suggest immigrating to a foreign country with better laws. In patriarchal societies, marriage laws tend to be reasonable, and male authority is respected. In my opinion, this option would be the best for a man who truly wants a traditional family, as you wouldn't have to worry about all the stuff that we just covered.

But there is a catch! Be mindful that most of these patriarchal countries are mostly undeveloped and tend to have lower average life expectancies than most developed countries. Russia is an advanced society that is more patriarchal than most Western nations, yet they have the most extensive life expectancy gap in the world. Women in Russia live 11 more years than men on average.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a perfect solution. No matter what you chose, there will always be tradeoffs.

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